home?

how does one define home? i used to define it as a safe place. a place that you could be yourself a place that no one could hurt you. i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever find that place? if i'll ever really be home. i really am starting to think that answer is a no.

i'm afraid to get comfortable because of the power that a certain two people hold over me. they've done a great job at making it so i don't feel welcome, or comfortable anywhere i go. it's frustrating to not be able to be myself. it hurts me that i can never make them proud. and it's even worse that i can never please myself. nothing i do will ever be good enough. at least it's that way in the eyes of my parents and i.

currently i'm trying to get myself out of my parent's area of living, i say area of living because it is not a home. things are far too complicated at home for me to handle. and maybe leaving makes me weak. but maybe it makes me strong for having the courage to do that. i'll never really know the answer. i know what my friends think. but that's not how my head works.

right now i'm staying with jamie a lot. her and akela are two of the greatest people to room with. unfortunately her grandma yells a lot. i don't know if i can handle that anymore. i don't like hearing people yell. it makes me think of my father. but it just gets worse and worse. my nightmares are back. so i think it's time i packed up and move back to my parent's area of living. if i'm going to hear yelling i might as well have a reason. : [

so i'm going to think hard on this. but that is probably going to be the final decision...