tasha.

i find it challenging to get close to anyone like i was to you. i told you almost everything and i was never afraid to let you in. i just don't know how to get close to anyone again. people who think i tell them everything don't realize i haven't told anyone everything since you.

you say it's not my fault, but in so many ways it is. i let things affect me. when we chilled and such i was super happy, but i didn't let it show. because i didn't realize how much you meant to me. but at the same time i did. i knew if we ever drifted i'd begin spiraling back down towards rock bottom. i am sorry i didn't tell you more often how much i appreciated you. you know your friendship means so much to me and i'm sorry that it's falling apart in ways. i miss staying at your house because even though i didn't say more then like two words most of the time i was super happy because i wasn't home. you know almost everything about me. before you knew me better than i knew myself. however now i don't think anyone knows me. i don't even know me. i can't stand what i see in the mirror, so i try not to look. people's compliments leave me astonished, how can they see me as pretty? how can they see me as strong?

after december i am who i once was;; who i promised myself i'd never be again. now i'm left trying to figure out how to change that. because i want to open up to you again, but i don't want to push you farther away.

i'm sorry.

no matter how much you tell me it's not my fault and there is nothing to be sorry for... there is.

and i am sorry. i love you dearly; i wish i didn't shut myself down. because maybe then this wouldn't have happened. i miss you.