right now there is a lot of shit going through my mind. things that i would love nothing more than to just get out of there, vent and vent until there is nothing left in my head. but i won't let myself do that. the four people i really would just love to sit down with and talk to about all this just can't right now. and here is why...
first jamie brownn; she is a great listener and she rarely has a "tree limb" [you wouldn't get it] when i have a problem. we are soooo similiar in so many ways, yet we are extremely different in others. jamie is seventeen and she currently has more problems than she should at her age. which is another similarity we have. she is my cousin and we've gone through a lot of shit together. a lot of the same shit, and a lot of different shit. our parents are quite similiar in a lot of ways. both aren't always GREAT parents and sometimes, or often they don't even try. you see why i don't want to pile my problems on her, when she'd be the easiest to talk to not only because she understands, but also because i currently stay with her a lot, is because she is currently having a boat load of her own problems. she lives with her grandparents; on the other side of the house, with akela, her gma & gpa, sara who has als, sara's two kids steven and emily who are both quite young, her sister miranda, and her brother patrick. she has social anxiety and she couldn't manage to go through college yet, but she is smart and she is just going to start at BCC, take a small step before such a large one and i understand that. but it seems like everything she does is wrong all beause she couldn't do this one thing. it's hard for some people to take such a huge step. she constantly gets yelled at for not having a job, but she is trying. i know she is because we both went job hunting. so you see why i really don't want to pile everything on her? makes sense. i love you jamieeeeeee.
second person is saydee;; she is such a fantastic friend already, i love her dearly and trust her with my life. i know she would do anything for me as long as she thought it was what was best. she rarely thinks of herself because that is just not how her mind works. she frequently tries to remind me that in her opinion i am a fantastic person, i'm extremely strong, and a great friend. i just met her in july and it's a huge step for me to take allowing myself to get this close to her. it's tough as hell. but i trust her not to fuck me over, not to hurt me, not to tell my secrets because she knows many of them. she is one of the three people who knows me better than i know myself. and it's great to have that. she always seems to know when something is wrong with me, even if she hasn't seen or talked to me that day. she tends to text/message me at the perfect time. when i need her a lot. i try to hold things back because i don't want to over load her. however she seems to know when i'm holding back. unfortunately i've recently gotten very great at pretending i am happy. and it is soo much easier when she can't see me everyday... now here is why i can't vent everything to her; she pretends that she is always super happy, but over my seventeen years of life on of the things i've gotten really great at is reading what people are trying to hide. i wish she'd open up to me more and realize yes i have a lot of issues right now, but i can handle whatever she throws my way, except her walking out of my life. also, she lives all the way in greene, that's a pretty far fucking hike. and i can't hide things when i'm talking to her one-on-one because she MAKES me look her right in the eyes, because my eyes are like the pathway to my soul... i love you saydee.
the third person is jackie beers; i just met her in january and it definitely wasn't on good circumstances. my nana passed away and we were introduced at the funeral, we said no more than hi and bye; then we met again at the hospital when our uncle tom had a heart attack. but again we had no conversation. and then i got really sick & i was in and out of the hospital and someone suggested i talked to her. so i messaged her on myspace. and somewhere from there we developed a friendship. and it's one that i want to stay for lifee. she is one of the greatest people i know and she is super strong, rarely does she fail to put a smile on my face or put me in a better mood. we are two extremely similar people, maybe it's those damn genetics. one will never know. : ] but anyways why i can't just let lose and tell her everything because she also has a lot going on. her boyfriend is currently getting ready to be sent to afghanstan. i feel very bad for her because she finally has someone who means the world to her and treats her right and such and he is being sent a thousand miles away. but i believe that they'll make it through the situation! : ] and back to the distance thing,,, she lives in south carolina and being like 900 miles away makes hiding my misery & pain that much easier, but she can usually see right through my fake smile & happy words. yeahh sooo that is why i can't push all my problems on her... i love you jackie beers. : ]<3
the fourth person is tasha;; in september i decided that she was my best friend because when something happened good or bad she was the first person i wanted to tell, and half the time i'd hold in my excitement and such until i talked to her because i wanted her to be the first to know. she also told me that i was her best friend. at that point we both had kinda had it with best friends and it was really hard to give that title to ANYONE. i love her dearly, but unfortunately she and i have began to fall apart. our friendship feels nothing like it used to. and that sucks. : / it hurts me a lot to know that it fell apart & i blame myself a lot for dissappearing for six weeks, for always being so miserable, and for a lot of other shit. : \ she will argue with me, but i do. i admire tasha a lot. she holds herself together even when she is falling apart, if that makes sense[|it does to me|], she is only 19 and a single mother of an amazing one year old little boy named aiden. she has done such a great job with aiden. she is a better mother than ones i know who are married & are older. she is a very selfless person and i have so much respect for her. i wish she saw what i see in her, but i understand not being able to because i never see what people say they see in me. anyways she has a lot of things going on right now too. she is living with her parents & she hates it, but being a single mother makes it hard to get a job. she has one right now, but she is trying to find a better one to create a better life for her and her son. she also has some other issues going on that are far to personal for me to share on a blog when it's not my information to share... i love you a lot tasha and i'll always admire you for everything you do..<3
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