babies.

so for a few days i've been helping my sister take care of my niece & nephews because she got her tubes tied and is really sore. vinny is the youngest he is three months old, emily is the middle she is four years old, and bryan is the oldest, he is seven years old. i love being here, i love the kids, i love my sister, i just love it. taking care of kids seems to be the one thing i'm good at. i badly want to be a parent one day. and honestly i want to be one one day soon, but deep down i know the timing is all wrong.

i'll tell you a story about each kid from the oldest down.

i love seeing bryan because he has grown up so much. he is such a big boy now. lol. he plays football, he bullies his little sister, lol. that's kinda his job. he is damn adorable and i know he is going to break hearts. <3>

it's amazing to see how much emily has grown up, i used to see her everyday from the time she was a few days old on. and she loved me greatly. she loved when i held her. one day we had my bryan's birthday party and my other sister tosha was there and she wanted to hold her niece and i went to hand her over and she started crying. i'll never tell because it may seem childish, but that made me sooo happy to see how much this little girl loved me.

now for the newest addition to their family, vincent. he is so adorable and i fell in love instantly. i joke around with her about how badly i want to steal him, lol. he is three months old and he is so smart. he is holding his head up and copying little sounds. he loves to watch outside because the world amazes him. <3.>

maybe the time isn't right. but i can't help but feel it is...

home?

how does one define home? i used to define it as a safe place. a place that you could be yourself a place that no one could hurt you. i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever find that place? if i'll ever really be home. i really am starting to think that answer is a no.

i'm afraid to get comfortable because of the power that a certain two people hold over me. they've done a great job at making it so i don't feel welcome, or comfortable anywhere i go. it's frustrating to not be able to be myself. it hurts me that i can never make them proud. and it's even worse that i can never please myself. nothing i do will ever be good enough. at least it's that way in the eyes of my parents and i.

currently i'm trying to get myself out of my parent's area of living, i say area of living because it is not a home. things are far too complicated at home for me to handle. and maybe leaving makes me weak. but maybe it makes me strong for having the courage to do that. i'll never really know the answer. i know what my friends think. but that's not how my head works.

right now i'm staying with jamie a lot. her and akela are two of the greatest people to room with. unfortunately her grandma yells a lot. i don't know if i can handle that anymore. i don't like hearing people yell. it makes me think of my father. but it just gets worse and worse. my nightmares are back. so i think it's time i packed up and move back to my parent's area of living. if i'm going to hear yelling i might as well have a reason. : [

so i'm going to think hard on this. but that is probably going to be the final decision...

tummy.

so my stomach is killing me. i've litterally done nothing but lay on this couch, which i learn jamie was correct. it is effin' uncomfortable. currently it feels like someone is stabbing rusty knife into my stomch and twisting around then just kicking it. unfortunately this is something that freqently happens. what is even more unfortunate is that the doctors say they can't figure it out. they sent me to a specialist who was an idiot. everytime i went there he'd tap & push on my stomach, hurting it more than it already was, just to tell me that he doesn't think it was that he thought it was the time before. and then he gives me another perscription and says "this should work if the problem is what i think it is." for a while i got my hopes up like yeahhh finally i'm going to start getting better! just for a month or so to go by on the meds for me to be curled up in unbearable pain. this doctor has "an idea" of what is wrong, but he was like "you see this is a lifelong thing so i don't want to diagnose you with that unless i know for certain."

so apparently my health is just a game, he's gambling with medicines, just when he loses he wins and makes more money, kind of ass backwards? i'd say so.

so when people suggest i go to the doctors or the emergency room because they can tell that i'm in so much pain i simplely reply "they do nothing. it'd be a pointless trip." it sucks but it is true. they drug me up for however long i'm there, steal my blood, make me drink nasty chalky shit that only makes me want to puke more, just to tell me to go see my specialist for stomach pains... welcome to the ER we specialize in common sense.

escape

everyone has their own personal way of dealing with our problems. we all look for that escape so that we just feel good, or feel nothing, or feel at all. personally i know my methods of coping aren't very healthy ones, but i'm okay with that. i never realized how bad i have gotten at choosing ways to deal with things until jamie wrote a blog about it. it inspired this one. so i'm going to share a few things on people who i love who are strong, but just like everyone just want to be free.

----|>each person is getting a quote that makes me think of them.<|----

first up, miranda. i love her dearly and i never want to lose her. unfortunatly she is a pothead, but to the extreme. i won't judge because i smoke too. however, she always looking for a way to get high she needs it. i do not because i don't freak if i do not have any. she never used to be this way. i definitely blame myself for that one. i love you flake. you are my bitch.

>quote time;

drugs are crutches for those who can't handle reality.

second, jamie brown. i love her as well. she is such a great person and she cares a lot more than she lets you see. and she let's you see a lot. it is hard to not get close to jamie brown. she is starting to change the ways she deals with things. that makes me glad. she used to do a lot of things to cope. she used to cut, drink, snort pills, her addiction to a certain goverment alien, ect. i hope everything turns around for her. she deserves that. i love you jamie.

>here jamie, have a quote. it reminds me of you;

i am an excitable person. who only understnds life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. i am so thirsty for the marvelous, anything i cannot transform into something marvelous, i let go. i only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordnary life shackles me, i escape.

third person, saydee. i've known her since sometime in july. i'm super glad i met her and she means a lot to me. she worries me a lot because one of the ways she deals with her problems is blaming herself. she has so many reasons to be confident and love herself she just can't yet. i believe one day she will. it's rare to hear her say bad things about people so if you hear them then you really deserve it. she always puts other people before herself and she'd jump through fire wearing clothes soaked in gasoline to save a friend. i wish she'd start putting herself first sometimes. she also has her more unhealthy ways to deal with things, but i won't say them because they are her business. i love her and i wish her the best in life. which i'll be by her side every step of the way because i'm never walking away. even if she tells me too. i love you saydee.

>your quote;

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

fourth person, baby doll aka ashley. she is my dollface. i love her so much she is such a great person. just like the others she faces many personal battles and she tries many different ways to escape the pain she is feeling. she used to try to erase her pain through more pain. eventually she learned that does not help. i love her greatly and i'm so glad i got to meet her. she means a lot to me. i love you baby doll.

>here ya go baby doll;

pain is temporary. it may last a minute, an hour, a month, or even years. but eventually it will subside and something else takes it's place.

five, bryar. the love of my life. she will always be in my heart. it is hard watching her do some of the things she does to herself. last summer we got into a huge fight and didn't talk for a week. we both ended up hurting ourselfs because we thought taht if we controlled our pain it'd make the rest just fall away. she also drinks to feel better, but i'm trying to get her to slow down. i want her to realize that drinking doesn't fix the problem. but that makes me hypocritical. bryar also thinks that holding everything in is going to help her because she hates to feel vulenrable. i love you babe. i'm always here for you. i never want to lose you. we'll be together until you said the end.<3

>here is a quote for you babe;

you cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

six, jackie. i just met her in january. but we are sooo similar and i am super close to her. although our problems may be different a lot of the time they are both pretty big issues. we both tend to have "boy problems" but currently she is in a good relationship. : ] she deserves it. she has been through a lot in her lifetime. she has UC and struggles a lot with her health because of it. that takes a huge toll on her. she tries to fix her problems by drinking, smoking (green & stoges), ect.. she is a strong person and i know she'll over come all these issues. i love youuu.<3

>your quote;

anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

finally i'll let you in on my methods. i know almost all of them are unhealthy. even ones that are healthy for other people. i do things like cut, burn myself, smoke a lot of green, take pills, drink, go running, not eating, and writing. writing is probably my only "healthy" way to escape. running would be if i didn't have so many health issues. but i do. and i run anyways. it helps. i am sure no one approves of my coping methods, but neither am i. here is my attempt to help you understand; i cut because i feel powerless, when i do i have power of what i'm feeling. kill the pain through more pain. same for burning. running i just lose myself in my music and it's just me. not eating is one thing i can control pills & green give me that numb tinglely feeling i yearn to have all the time.

When ever your heart grows weary, know that there is always a heart grieving much more then yours.

mandalyn

i find it funny that i just met you about twenty four hours ago and i'm writing a whole blog about you? but it seems quite fitting..

haha,, sorry you caught me on a bad night last night. lol. but we definitely made the best out of it. lol.

we are definitelty like day and night.

you love yellow, i hate it.

you love yourself, i hate myself.

you love your hair blonde, i love mine black.

and many other things.

we both share a love of a few things though, such as jamie brown and rice krispy treats. : ]

thank you jamie brown for introducing me to this wonderful american.

saydee.

i hate this fantastic person that i currently feel compelled to talk about. he name is saydee. i met her in July through another fantastic person named starr.

first i met starr the day we moved into upward bound this summer. she came in my room because we were both missing our roommates lol. we started tlaking about person stuff super quick. lol. it was strange but for some reason i really wanted to be friends with starr. and that happened. : ]

anywaysss. i will be forever in debt to starr-lyte for introducing me to one of her great friends; saydee. it was strange because as soon as i met her i was like she seems super cool i want to get to know her. lol. one weekend i went home from ub and i hate being here. after a fight with my lovely father i was all upset and didn't want to live, i told Starr-lyte and she told a few people. they saved my life. right then i really didn't know Saydee. however when i got back to ub she came up to me and hugged me and was like "i am so glad you're alive." i do not think she will ever know how much that meant to me. often in this world i feel tottally useless and unloved. but the thought of me being dead obviously really really hurt this person, you could see the sincerity in her eyes.

she has done so much for me and i don't know what i would do without her. thank you saydee. i love you darlin'.

ugh.

so, i intended on writing a few of these today because i wanted to just be a lame ass and have chill out day. obviously that did not happen. lol. but i am more than okay with that.

house had to milk today at her barn so miranda and i went with her. it was nice. i got to milk some cows. lol. it's actually quite fun. i believe we dominated that. haha. we smoked a lot of marijuana cigarettes. lol. once we were finished milking and she cleaned up we smoked another one with ginger. : ] but brownie got a contact. hahahha. : ]<3

then we went to wendy's. the wendy's crew was laughing at us and making lame ass comments. but it was okay, because i know for a fact a lot of them smoke. hahahahaha.

tasha.

i find it challenging to get close to anyone like i was to you. i told you almost everything and i was never afraid to let you in. i just don't know how to get close to anyone again. people who think i tell them everything don't realize i haven't told anyone everything since you.

you say it's not my fault, but in so many ways it is. i let things affect me. when we chilled and such i was super happy, but i didn't let it show. because i didn't realize how much you meant to me. but at the same time i did. i knew if we ever drifted i'd begin spiraling back down towards rock bottom. i am sorry i didn't tell you more often how much i appreciated you. you know your friendship means so much to me and i'm sorry that it's falling apart in ways. i miss staying at your house because even though i didn't say more then like two words most of the time i was super happy because i wasn't home. you know almost everything about me. before you knew me better than i knew myself. however now i don't think anyone knows me. i don't even know me. i can't stand what i see in the mirror, so i try not to look. people's compliments leave me astonished, how can they see me as pretty? how can they see me as strong?

after december i am who i once was;; who i promised myself i'd never be again. now i'm left trying to figure out how to change that. because i want to open up to you again, but i don't want to push you farther away.

i'm sorry.

no matter how much you tell me it's not my fault and there is nothing to be sorry for... there is.

and i am sorry. i love you dearly; i wish i didn't shut myself down. because maybe then this wouldn't have happened. i miss you.

mother dearest let's pretend.

how can you sit in your room and pretend that you do not hear exactly what is going on right below you? there is no way you do not know you've seen it many times before. you know exactly how he is,, you know when the bottle is finished so is she, but you no longer care do you? you sit in your room and pretend to sleep a person in a coma couldn't sleep through the yelling going on below you. but go on pretend that it's all okay. so tell me mother dearest... do you remember comforting her? telling her that it was all okay? trying to make sure she knows that none of this is her fault? do you remember that or are you so caught up in yourself that you can't? so tell me do you realize what you are doing to her by not being there for her like you used to be? why can't you see how it f_cks her up? so mother dearest, tell me.... can't you see it in her eyes? don't you see the pain and suffering? i can see it in her? and i'm nothing. can't you see how miserable she is, how she is never happy, how much she hates herself? can't you see what you've done to her? she just wants her mommy there.. like she was when she was younger. she is so beaten down and broken already, what makes it worse is she barely has any years on her. she is so young, but no less defeated. she yearns for that time when she felt the gentle kiss of her mother's lips on her forehead for no other reason than to remind her that her mother still loves her. now her days are filled with sorrow, she lost her mother, no she didn't die, she is still alive, but you wouldn't think so. she has blocked out everything, she now pretends that nothing happens. this young girl can feel herself turning into her mother, exactly what she was get away from, but maybe this is exactly how it is supposed to be, and you can't change destiny.

what's right?

how do you know what is right and what is wrong in situations, when you feel that something is wrong and everyone else tries to tell you that it's okay?

right now there is a lot of shit going through my mind. things that i would love nothing more than to just get out of there, vent and vent until there is nothing left in my head. but i won't let myself do that. the four people i really would just love to sit down with and talk to about all this just can't right now. and here is why...

first jamie brownn; she is a great listener and she rarely has a "tree limb" [you wouldn't get it] when i have a problem. we are soooo similiar in so many ways, yet we are extremely different in others. jamie is seventeen and she currently has more problems than she should at her age. which is another similarity we have. she is my cousin and we've gone through a lot of shit together. a lot of the same shit, and a lot of different shit. our parents are quite similiar in a lot of ways. both aren't always GREAT parents and sometimes, or often they don't even try. you see why i don't want to pile my problems on her, when she'd be the easiest to talk to not only because she understands, but also because i currently stay with her a lot, is because she is currently having a boat load of her own problems. she lives with her grandparents; on the other side of the house, with akela, her gma & gpa, sara who has als, sara's two kids steven and emily who are both quite young, her sister miranda, and her brother patrick. she has social anxiety and she couldn't manage to go through college yet, but she is smart and she is just going to start at BCC, take a small step before such a large one and i understand that. but it seems like everything she does is wrong all beause she couldn't do this one thing. it's hard for some people to take such a huge step. she constantly gets yelled at for not having a job, but she is trying. i know she is because we both went job hunting. so you see why i really don't want to pile everything on her? makes sense. i love you jamieeeeeee.

second person is saydee;; she is such a fantastic friend already, i love her dearly and trust her with my life. i know she would do anything for me as long as she thought it was what was best. she rarely thinks of herself because that is just not how her mind works. she frequently tries to remind me that in her opinion i am a fantastic person, i'm extremely strong, and a great friend. i just met her in july and it's a huge step for me to take allowing myself to get this close to her. it's tough as hell. but i trust her not to fuck me over, not to hurt me, not to tell my secrets because she knows many of them. she is one of the three people who knows me better than i know myself. and it's great to have that. she always seems to know when something is wrong with me, even if she hasn't seen or talked to me that day. she tends to text/message me at the perfect time. when i need her a lot. i try to hold things back because i don't want to over load her. however she seems to know when i'm holding back. unfortunately i've recently gotten very great at pretending i am happy. and it is soo much easier when she can't see me everyday... now here is why i can't vent everything to her; she pretends that she is always super happy, but over my seventeen years of life on of the things i've gotten really great at is reading what people are trying to hide. i wish she'd open up to me more and realize yes i have a lot of issues right now, but i can handle whatever she throws my way, except her walking out of my life. also, she lives all the way in greene, that's a pretty far fucking hike. and i can't hide things when i'm talking to her one-on-one because she MAKES me look her right in the eyes, because my eyes are like the pathway to my soul... i love you saydee.

the third person is jackie beers; i just met her in january and it definitely wasn't on good circumstances. my nana passed away and we were introduced at the funeral, we said no more than hi and bye; then we met again at the hospital when our uncle tom had a heart attack. but again we had no conversation. and then i got really sick & i was in and out of the hospital and someone suggested i talked to her. so i messaged her on myspace. and somewhere from there we developed a friendship. and it's one that i want to stay for lifee. she is one of the greatest people i know and she is super strong, rarely does she fail to put a smile on my face or put me in a better mood. we are two extremely similar people, maybe it's those damn genetics. one will never know. : ] but anyways why i can't just let lose and tell her everything because she also has a lot going on. her boyfriend is currently getting ready to be sent to afghanstan. i feel very bad for her because she finally has someone who means the world to her and treats her right and such and he is being sent a thousand miles away. but i believe that they'll make it through the situation! : ] and back to the distance thing,,, she lives in south carolina and being like 900 miles away makes hiding my misery & pain that much easier, but she can usually see right through my fake smile & happy words. yeahh sooo that is why i can't push all my problems on her... i love you jackie beers. : ]<3

the fourth person is tasha;; in september i decided that she was my best friend because when something happened good or bad she was the first person i wanted to tell, and half the time i'd hold in my excitement and such until i talked to her because i wanted her to be the first to know. she also told me that i was her best friend. at that point we both had kinda had it with best friends and it was really hard to give that title to ANYONE. i love her dearly, but unfortunately she and i have began to fall apart. our friendship feels nothing like it used to. and that sucks. : / it hurts me a lot to know that it fell apart & i blame myself a lot for dissappearing for six weeks, for always being so miserable, and for a lot of other shit. : \ she will argue with me, but i do. i admire tasha a lot. she holds herself together even when she is falling apart, if that makes sense[|it does to me|], she is only 19 and a single mother of an amazing one year old little boy named aiden. she has done such a great job with aiden. she is a better mother than ones i know who are married & are older. she is a very selfless person and i have so much respect for her. i wish she saw what i see in her, but i understand not being able to because i never see what people say they see in me. anyways she has a lot of things going on right now too. she is living with her parents & she hates it, but being a single mother makes it hard to get a job. she has one right now, but she is trying to find a better one to create a better life for her and her son. she also has some other issues going on that are far to personal for me to share on a blog when it's not my information to share... i love you a lot tasha and i'll always admire you for everything you do..<3

home.

so tonight i'm going "home" i really do not want to. however, my little cousin nickolas is going to be there. i love him dearly and miss him soooo much. you see he has been my boy since the moment i held him in my arms. i definitely fell in love.

nickolas is almost two years old now & i've been watching him grow from the time he was four days old.

he had his first sleepover at my house when he was a week old. that night i didn't sleep at all because i kept thinking i heard him whimper. lol. my mom was like "amanda you look just as terrified as a new mother." i remembered that making me laugh a lot. :]

for over a month this summer i was told that i was not allowed to see him because i "did not deserve it" but they eventually saw that it harmed him just as much as it killed me. and soon he stayed over again. i hate being home, but seeing nickolas is worth all the hassle, all the stress and even all their harsh words and such. because he is the one person who means the most to me in this world...

now that i am finished ranting about this it's time to head out. sooooo peaccceeeeeee.

frustration.

i have become frustrated with the daily motions of life. but maybe frustration isn't the correct word to describe how i am feeling. but then again at the same time it is? which completely makes no sense. unless you're in my brain.

• frustration with family bullshit. because of parents who don't want you, who pretend to care around others, but whoa buddy are they different behind closed doors; in the "safety" of our own home. i find the statement "saftey in our own home" quite unfitting for the situation at hand because i feel so far from safe when i am home. it's a place where i must hide who i really am and pretend to be their molded daughter. but soo many times have i failed trying to please them with my miserable attempts.

• frustration in my love life. because of a girl who knows exactly how to get in my head & tweak it up. who wants to see how far she can push me before i break and say i've had enough. but she knows i'll always go back to her because i have already before. how do you say know what is going to hurt worse? leaving the person you love or to continue and try to complete the impossible task of pleasing her;;something that can not be done.

• frustration with certain friendships. because a guy gets involved and everything changes. a guy who sure knows how to convince your friend to push away all your friends just so that he doesn't have to seem too controling. frustration because my friend never wears a real smile anymore. and what you now see in her eyes isn't close to what it was. what was in her eyes was hope & affection;; that has been replaced with hatred, emptyness, & sadness.

so maybe the real word i'm looking for is upset?

upset with these situations....

: \

i've been here before. i'm afraid to get comfortable again becuase the last time that i did i get destroyed. : \ my parents do not think that i should be happy. it does not benefit them in any way. why would they? i think being away from home is good for me. three days here & already i'm happier? i don't understand this;; aren't homes supposed to be a place of comfort?

in seventeen years i have seen more than my share of problems. most of this i blame on myself because i feel i can protect everyone. because i want to be able to protect everyone from all the shit i've faced. no i am not saying my life is the roughest that there is, but no it's not a walk in the park either. but i guess unless you live another life you can't really appreciate what you have right now? maybe one day things will change.

however, for now my trust issues will remain, my fear of getting too comfortable will remain, & my fear of so much more will remain.

jamiebrown&akela.

so tonight we're having a sleepover, i've needed this for a long time. just a girls night. i miss these two so effin' much and being around them is just grand. they are two of the most fantastic people. i know i can tell them whatever and they'll keep it in this room. they won't taunt me for it, or change their opinion on me. i love it.

so i decided jamie's place is gonna be a swell ass crash site, so just like the aliens, i'm landing rightt herrrrrrrrrr, and might get stuck here. : ] but i might enjoy this more then the aliens. no i willl enjoy this.

right now we are watching some goonies. : ]

akela is going to get a lap top so her, jamie and i can go to to starbucks and pretend to be important. : ]