hopeful.

March 14th, 2010, my life was changed a lot. This was the day that my girlfriend of almost six months broke up with me. This hurt me a lot. Since then I was losing all hope that we would ever get back together. She did say it was just a break, but I couldn't see that, I just saw that she wasn't mine anymore. however, I am trying to look at things different.
I think that there is still a possibility that we will get back together. We're going to hang out and talk things through and see where it goes from there.

This thought is keeping me hopeful.

today

today started out very well. I did not go to school today; however, I woke with every intention to go to school. I had even started walking. Then a friend stopped me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her instead of school. I only had a half day today, and most of my morning classes are study halls. Therefore, I found it pointless to go anyways. Today was great. I did a lot of driving today, which I love, it makes me feel in control.
When I came home from such a great day, my parents completely ruin it. they start screaming about how they know I'm doing hard drugs and shit. This is quite far from the truth. This all came about just because they found a few beer cans?! I asked my father about the shit he does and how he can yell at me for fucking up but he can whenever. I am currently looking for a job because I know that I need to get out of my parent's house. It is only harming me. Miranda told me about an apartment in town that is not that expensive. I am gonna try to find some form of a job. I know that I need to do this for myself. I cut today. I have been trying to give that up today, but struggles and personal battles caused this.

couseling.

recently I decided that I need to get some proffessional help for my depression before I am too far gone. So Monday I took the first step and told my UB counselor that I needed to see a counselor. He sent me to my school's counselor. Her name is Ms. Stacey. she is very nice and I find it easy to talk to her. I think that this will be good for me. I made a promise to someone who means a whole lot to me that I would really try to find someone to talk to. I did. I had my first visit with her Wednesday. it was nice to be able to let somethings out. I have been cutting myself off from most people. this causes me to hold everything inside and pretend that everything is perfectly fine. there has been a lot bothering me that I just do not want to believe is there so I try everything that I can to push the pain deep inside and keep it hidden. this is not working any longer. i am breaking.

update.

I just finally remembered my blog. The fact that I forgot my blog is why I have not written anything in quite a while. Everything is far different from how they used to be. Number one difference is I lost my happiness. I was dating Saydee. She was my happiness. I dated her for a while, it was two days shy of six months. I love Saydee, I know this. She says she still loves me, and honestly I believe her on that. I know that I may not always make the best choices and I may not be the best girlfriend, but she took me that way. She didn't mind my flaws. She knew that my flaws are a part of who I am. I understand her reasons, I definitely want her to do whatever it is that is best for her. Even if that I am not what is best for her. I struggle to get over her, but I know that no matter how hard I try I love her and know that it's a pointless attempt because I can not get over her. I know that she feels bad for hurting me the way she did, but I know that it was not done intentionally.
I believe that she just got lost. I think that she realized how long that we have been together and that thought scared her. I hope that one day she will realize that she is all I've ever wanted or needed. I struggle waking up some mornings, but I made her a promise that I would hold on. I do not break promises.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am not sure of this reason yet, but I know there is one.
"They're written on these pages, it's written on our faces.
I know you don't want this, but know that I need this more than I did before.
It's easy to see that it's hard to ignore your subtle hands,
I'm catching wind how insincere are your finger prints.

So make me promises, girl, the kind I know you can't keep
And while I'm losing my mind, I hope you're home finding sleep.
But you and I both know that that's not the case
Because the look on your face gives all your secrets away.

Can we talk this over, at least just for tonight?
I asked myself one hundred times why...
Did we even bother? Why did we even try?
But I miss you more than I did before,
I showed you my heart and you showed me the door.
Your subtle hands, I'm catching wind how insincere are your finger prints."
100 times-- Hit The Lights.<3

babies.

so for a few days i've been helping my sister take care of my niece & nephews because she got her tubes tied and is really sore. vinny is the youngest he is three months old, emily is the middle she is four years old, and bryan is the oldest, he is seven years old. i love being here, i love the kids, i love my sister, i just love it. taking care of kids seems to be the one thing i'm good at. i badly want to be a parent one day. and honestly i want to be one one day soon, but deep down i know the timing is all wrong.

i'll tell you a story about each kid from the oldest down.

i love seeing bryan because he has grown up so much. he is such a big boy now. lol. he plays football, he bullies his little sister, lol. that's kinda his job. he is damn adorable and i know he is going to break hearts. <3>

it's amazing to see how much emily has grown up, i used to see her everyday from the time she was a few days old on. and she loved me greatly. she loved when i held her. one day we had my bryan's birthday party and my other sister tosha was there and she wanted to hold her niece and i went to hand her over and she started crying. i'll never tell because it may seem childish, but that made me sooo happy to see how much this little girl loved me.

now for the newest addition to their family, vincent. he is so adorable and i fell in love instantly. i joke around with her about how badly i want to steal him, lol. he is three months old and he is so smart. he is holding his head up and copying little sounds. he loves to watch outside because the world amazes him. <3.>

maybe the time isn't right. but i can't help but feel it is...

home?

how does one define home? i used to define it as a safe place. a place that you could be yourself a place that no one could hurt you. i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever find that place? if i'll ever really be home. i really am starting to think that answer is a no.

i'm afraid to get comfortable because of the power that a certain two people hold over me. they've done a great job at making it so i don't feel welcome, or comfortable anywhere i go. it's frustrating to not be able to be myself. it hurts me that i can never make them proud. and it's even worse that i can never please myself. nothing i do will ever be good enough. at least it's that way in the eyes of my parents and i.

currently i'm trying to get myself out of my parent's area of living, i say area of living because it is not a home. things are far too complicated at home for me to handle. and maybe leaving makes me weak. but maybe it makes me strong for having the courage to do that. i'll never really know the answer. i know what my friends think. but that's not how my head works.

right now i'm staying with jamie a lot. her and akela are two of the greatest people to room with. unfortunately her grandma yells a lot. i don't know if i can handle that anymore. i don't like hearing people yell. it makes me think of my father. but it just gets worse and worse. my nightmares are back. so i think it's time i packed up and move back to my parent's area of living. if i'm going to hear yelling i might as well have a reason. : [

so i'm going to think hard on this. but that is probably going to be the final decision...

tummy.

so my stomach is killing me. i've litterally done nothing but lay on this couch, which i learn jamie was correct. it is effin' uncomfortable. currently it feels like someone is stabbing rusty knife into my stomch and twisting around then just kicking it. unfortunately this is something that freqently happens. what is even more unfortunate is that the doctors say they can't figure it out. they sent me to a specialist who was an idiot. everytime i went there he'd tap & push on my stomach, hurting it more than it already was, just to tell me that he doesn't think it was that he thought it was the time before. and then he gives me another perscription and says "this should work if the problem is what i think it is." for a while i got my hopes up like yeahhh finally i'm going to start getting better! just for a month or so to go by on the meds for me to be curled up in unbearable pain. this doctor has "an idea" of what is wrong, but he was like "you see this is a lifelong thing so i don't want to diagnose you with that unless i know for certain."

so apparently my health is just a game, he's gambling with medicines, just when he loses he wins and makes more money, kind of ass backwards? i'd say so.

so when people suggest i go to the doctors or the emergency room because they can tell that i'm in so much pain i simplely reply "they do nothing. it'd be a pointless trip." it sucks but it is true. they drug me up for however long i'm there, steal my blood, make me drink nasty chalky shit that only makes me want to puke more, just to tell me to go see my specialist for stomach pains... welcome to the ER we specialize in common sense.