hopeful.

March 14th, 2010, my life was changed a lot. This was the day that my girlfriend of almost six months broke up with me. This hurt me a lot. Since then I was losing all hope that we would ever get back together. She did say it was just a break, but I couldn't see that, I just saw that she wasn't mine anymore. however, I am trying to look at things different.
I think that there is still a possibility that we will get back together. We're going to hang out and talk things through and see where it goes from there.

This thought is keeping me hopeful.

today

today started out very well. I did not go to school today; however, I woke with every intention to go to school. I had even started walking. Then a friend stopped me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her instead of school. I only had a half day today, and most of my morning classes are study halls. Therefore, I found it pointless to go anyways. Today was great. I did a lot of driving today, which I love, it makes me feel in control.
When I came home from such a great day, my parents completely ruin it. they start screaming about how they know I'm doing hard drugs and shit. This is quite far from the truth. This all came about just because they found a few beer cans?! I asked my father about the shit he does and how he can yell at me for fucking up but he can whenever. I am currently looking for a job because I know that I need to get out of my parent's house. It is only harming me. Miranda told me about an apartment in town that is not that expensive. I am gonna try to find some form of a job. I know that I need to do this for myself. I cut today. I have been trying to give that up today, but struggles and personal battles caused this.

couseling.

recently I decided that I need to get some proffessional help for my depression before I am too far gone. So Monday I took the first step and told my UB counselor that I needed to see a counselor. He sent me to my school's counselor. Her name is Ms. Stacey. she is very nice and I find it easy to talk to her. I think that this will be good for me. I made a promise to someone who means a whole lot to me that I would really try to find someone to talk to. I did. I had my first visit with her Wednesday. it was nice to be able to let somethings out. I have been cutting myself off from most people. this causes me to hold everything inside and pretend that everything is perfectly fine. there has been a lot bothering me that I just do not want to believe is there so I try everything that I can to push the pain deep inside and keep it hidden. this is not working any longer. i am breaking.

update.

I just finally remembered my blog. The fact that I forgot my blog is why I have not written anything in quite a while. Everything is far different from how they used to be. Number one difference is I lost my happiness. I was dating Saydee. She was my happiness. I dated her for a while, it was two days shy of six months. I love Saydee, I know this. She says she still loves me, and honestly I believe her on that. I know that I may not always make the best choices and I may not be the best girlfriend, but she took me that way. She didn't mind my flaws. She knew that my flaws are a part of who I am. I understand her reasons, I definitely want her to do whatever it is that is best for her. Even if that I am not what is best for her. I struggle to get over her, but I know that no matter how hard I try I love her and know that it's a pointless attempt because I can not get over her. I know that she feels bad for hurting me the way she did, but I know that it was not done intentionally.
I believe that she just got lost. I think that she realized how long that we have been together and that thought scared her. I hope that one day she will realize that she is all I've ever wanted or needed. I struggle waking up some mornings, but I made her a promise that I would hold on. I do not break promises.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am not sure of this reason yet, but I know there is one.
"They're written on these pages, it's written on our faces.
I know you don't want this, but know that I need this more than I did before.
It's easy to see that it's hard to ignore your subtle hands,
I'm catching wind how insincere are your finger prints.

So make me promises, girl, the kind I know you can't keep
And while I'm losing my mind, I hope you're home finding sleep.
But you and I both know that that's not the case
Because the look on your face gives all your secrets away.

Can we talk this over, at least just for tonight?
I asked myself one hundred times why...
Did we even bother? Why did we even try?
But I miss you more than I did before,
I showed you my heart and you showed me the door.
Your subtle hands, I'm catching wind how insincere are your finger prints."
100 times-- Hit The Lights.<3